WTF Baking

I have many WTF moments in the kitchen. This holiday season, however, I have had more than usual…to say the least.

It all started with the mock Dominique Ansel Chocolate chip cookie shot glass recipe…

image

Pfffft, yea fucking right. I pressed the unchilled dough (yep, supposed to be chilled) into the muffin pan (they suggested a popover pan, whatever!) and prayed over the oven. Apparently, God was too busy to take care of my baking problems that day and that shit turned into chocolate chip muffins real fast. My family’s initial reaction went as expected: “WTF are those?”

image

Oh, yeah. After the first batch of muffin cookies, I switched to a mini bundt pan. This only added to the what the fuck-ness…errrr welp. Ya win some, ya lose some.

you’ll be happy to know (or maybe not) that I did not let this bump in the road get me down! Yesterday, I bravely took on another mucho creative cookie recipe (fuck you, Pinterest) and then…this… happened:

image

In all fairness, it sort of looks like the picture:

image

I’m sure many of you are assuming that I stopped here, because obviously I peaked. Nope. Can’t stop. Won’t stop.

image

Today, I forged forward with a thumbprint cookie recipe written to yield 60 cookies. That is 6-0. Unsurprisingly,  my execution of this recipe, using all of the exact same measurements, made 18 lumpy, jelly filled lumps. This is 42 Lumpy lumps less than the original recipe. I s’ ppose this is the Godly miracle I was waiting for, because they kind of suck.

image

Okay, time to clean up. Whomp-whomp.

There’s a Mexican Sausage in my Arepa

What’s better than large Mexican sausage?

Nothing! Nothing is better than Mexican sausage. Chorizo makes the world go round. Chorizo is everything. Obviously the only way to make this fine piece of mystery meat better is to add more fat. Huevos Rancheros? I think so. 

The first step in making this pile of fat is cutting up the sausage. There’s something super cathartic about tearing through a phallic piece of intestine. I highly recommend blasting angry Alanis Morisette music in the background while doing this.

Isn’t it Ironic. don’t you think?    

 IMG_0036

Mexican sausage really gets my pan wet. Seriously though, it gets my pan all wet. Do NOT add any extra oil. Yea, I’m talking to you fatty. PUT THE OIL DOWN. I promise that the fat in the chorizo is more than enough to keep those thunder thighs.

IMG_0037

Break out the beans! With a slotted spoon, put the chorizo on a plate and keep the grease in the pan. As a side note, I usually keep the scariest knife I can find in eyesight throughout the whole cooking process. It establishes my authority in the kitchen.  

IMG_0038

Pour the beans and liquid into the same pan used to cook the chorizo. Add one packet of Sazon and some dried coriander to taste. Bring to a boil and let simmer. Don’t over cook! There should be enough liquid left over to smother the arepa\corn tortilla. 

IMG_0041  

How do you like your eggs in the morning? Fried, bitch! Fry an egg for each plate.  

IMG_0045

Arepa! Arepa! Arepa dough is made by adding boiled water and butter to a bowl of masa harina. Once the masa harina absorbs the liquid it turns into a malleable dough. AGH! What am I saying?! It was such a waste of time. Just buy a fucking package of corn tortillas and call it a day. 

IMG_0047

 Layer everything on the plate in this order- Corn tortilla- saucy beans- cooked chorizo- slice of queso fresco (It’s a cheese!)- fried egg. Serve with a little avocado and a fake Spanish accent.   

IMG_0049

 

 

 

  

 

Grampa’s Bakery and Restaurant: Dania Beach

image

If you enjoy not gaining weight then I suggest you stay far, far away from Grampa’s Bakery and Restaurant. A Paleo dieter may actually burst into flames if they dare step foot in this place. Actually, on second thought, it wouldn’t be such bad thing if a paleo preacher burst into flames. We get it already! You eat like a caveman! You spend hours preparing meals! No one gives a shit, Encino Man…WOW. That felt good.

image

Clearly, I have no interest in dieting. I eat my complimentary Grampa pastries with no guilt whatsoever and I have been eating them long before Guy Fieri showed up there in his douchey car.
image

That’s right, I said complimentary pastries. They are served with all breakfast and lunch orders. It’s like a bread basket on crack. Honestly,  I would come here just for the free pastries, but that’s frowned upon.

image

As we were eating here on Monday my friend made a great point about the food. She said,  “It’s so good because it’s simple”. And she’s right. Everything is home cooked in the most simple way and it is this simplicity that makes the food so delicious and comforting.

image

Example A: Grampa’s French Toast. Whoever says that everything is bigger in Texas has never been to Florida and eaten Grampa’s french toast. Our omelets paled in comparison to my husband’s gigantic slices of deliciousness. This dish is made the way we expect french toast to be made. The familiarity of the flavors makes the meal even more enjoyable than it already is.

image

The restaurant itself could definitely use an update but an update would just be sad. The outdated decor is part of the charm of Grampa’s Bakery and Restaurant. It’s the type of place that you can always count on to look the same. I am confident that 20 years from now Grampa’s Bakery and Restaurant will still look the same and taste the same. This makes aging a little easier for me.

Belieb in These Cookies

Drag racing? Really Biebs? That is sooo last year.

image

Yes, I agree with the majority. Justin Bieber is, in fact, an asshole with a vagina the size of Texas. However, I belieb that this life size tampon was once a child who enjoyed chocolate chip cookies like everyone else. You can belieb what you want,  but this is what I belieb.

image

In honor of the Bieb’s lost childhood and new Orange jumpsuit I made chocolate chip cookies from a recipe I got off a Reynolds wrap advertisement. If it’s good enough for Reynold then it’s good enough for Bieber.

image

I omitted the nuts from this recipe because lezbehonest the Bieb ain’t got no nuts. In hindsight, I should of added raisins to reflect his dried up career but I didn’t have any. Plus I fucking hate raisins.
image

image

image

In closing, I am going to leave you with some Justin Bieber words of wisdom.

“I ain’t got no fucking weapons…”

And $100,000 later, here I am

It’s safe to say that art school was a big fucking waste of money. With that being said, I sometimes utilize the $100,000 education in the creation of mediocre DIY projects, such as turkey cupcakes, ornaments and this baby name painting:

image

This painting was “commissioned” by my aunt. By commissioned I mean she came to me with her thick Brooklyn accent and said, “Dan, my friend’s havin’ a baby. I need you to make a thing for the wall. Just make it nice.” So I cleared my schedule and took on the project like a champ…Okay, stop looking at me like that. You’re right. I had nothing else to do.  My schedule was completely open (womp, womp).

image

Good news! I actually remembered to take photos while I was working, so I can give you the play by play.

Step 1: tape out horizontal stripes on the canvas.

image

Use painters tape and make even rows one tape length apart. I tore two little pieces of tape and used them to keep the space between the stripes even.

Step 2: apply glaze color.

image

What’s a glaze? A glaze is a translucent medium that is meant to be used in layers. Mix acrylic paint color with matte medium. The more color you add,  the more opaque it will become. For this project the glaze should be transparent but rich in color.

image

Step 3: let dry and peel off tape.

Step 4: tape vertical stripes.

image

The vertical taping should be two tapes wide. Paint with the same glaze used in step 2.

Step 5: let dry and peel tape.

Step 6: mix new glaze color in separate cup.

Step 7: use tape to add one more set of vertical stripes and paint with glaze made in step 6.

image

Step 8: let dry and peel tape.

Step 9: mix white glaze and paint over the entire piece to lighten the plaid pattern.

image

Step 10: print out the name you are using to scale. This can be done on any computer program but is more easily done on Photoshop, Illustrator, or Indesign.

Step 11: use pencil to color in the letters on the back of the print out.

image

Step 12: flip the print out and center it on the canvas. Tape it into place and go over the outline of the letters with pencil. This will transfer the letters onto the canvas.

Step 13: paint in the letters with acrylic (not glaze).

image

And Wallah! A name painting in 13 steps. Fucking magic.

Tierras Colombianas: Astoria

Tierras Colombianas was a childhood staple of mine. My father would take my sister and I here for father-daughter dates and special occasions. For approximately 15 years I have been ordering the same item off the menu, #14-the seasoned, grilled chicken breast with beans, rice and sweet plantains. Now, I’m not saying you have to order this but… Yeah, okay. That’s exactly what I’m saying. Order this and order this now.

image

On Friday I celebrated my 28th birthday at Tierras Colombianas and It should be no surprise that I ordered #14, the perfect birthday meal. The #14 chicken breast is pounded thin and this thickness allows the seasoning to permeate all the way through. Once you eat chicken like this you won’t want it any other way. Inspired by this dish, I tried to tenderize and flatten my own chicken with a hammer. In case you’re wondering,  it doesn’t work. Tenderizers are worth the investment. Hammers are messy.

image

The Latin flavors of the chicken are further enhanced by the side dishes. The perfectly salted rice and beans are accompanied by your choice of sweet plantains or tostones. I used to order tostones but my first taste of sweet plantains was a game changer. The sweet plantains are soft and moist, where as the tostones are dry and salty.  It is a difficult decision for the indecisive because they are both delicious in different ways. For those of you who suffer from indecisiveness, just get both. You can always start your diet tomorrow. YOLO!

Tierras Colombianas is located at 33rd and Broadway. Go check it out!

Birthday, bah humbug

Friday is my 28th birthday.
Over the years, I have developed an ambivalent relationship with birthdays. It’s not easy getting old. Actually, it sucks. Every year brings a new symptom of aging that would make my younger self cringe. This year’s kick in the ass was the debut of my senior citizen hair. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, nappy white and gray hairs popped up all over my head. “What the fuck!?” I would scream at the stranger in the mirror. How did this happen? I’m so young! OH, the inhumanity!

Cue scream:
http://youtu.be/hGE7jzGV5m8

After my nervous breakdown, I took to the plucking route. You know, the thing that everyone tells you not to do. Yeah, I did that. I plucked and plucked until my scalp was sore.  Then the fuckers grew back and they sprouted straight up towards the sky. It was real attractive. I gave up. I had to dye it. There was no other choice.

Good bye, natural black hair!

Hello, John Frieda’s “natural black” hair!

John Frieda Precision Foam Colour Luminous Natural Black 2N 1 Each [717226170744]

Now I’m 28. What will it be this year?! skin tags? wrinkles? extra body hair? The suspense is killing me.