WTF Baking

I have many WTF moments in the kitchen. This holiday season, however, I have had more than usual…to say the least.

It all started with the mock Dominique Ansel Chocolate chip cookie shot glass recipe…

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Pfffft, yea fucking right. I pressed the unchilled dough (yep, supposed to be chilled) into the muffin pan (they suggested a popover pan, whatever!) and prayed over the oven. Apparently, God was too busy to take care of my baking problems that day and that shit turned into chocolate chip muffins real fast. My family’s initial reaction went as expected: “WTF are those?”

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Oh, yeah. After the first batch of muffin cookies, I switched to a mini bundt pan. This only added to the what the fuck-ness…errrr welp. Ya win some, ya lose some.

you’ll be happy to know (or maybe not) that I did not let this bump in the road get me down! Yesterday, I bravely took on another mucho creative cookie recipe (fuck you, Pinterest) and then…this… happened:

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In all fairness, it sort of looks like the picture:

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I’m sure many of you are assuming that I stopped here, because obviously I peaked. Nope. Can’t stop. Won’t stop.

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Today, I forged forward with a thumbprint cookie recipe written to yield 60 cookies. That is 6-0. Unsurprisingly,  my execution of this recipe, using all of the exact same measurements, made 18 lumpy, jelly filled lumps. This is 42 Lumpy lumps less than the original recipe. I s’ ppose this is the Godly miracle I was waiting for, because they kind of suck.

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Okay, time to clean up. Whomp-whomp.

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There’s a Mexican Sausage in my Arepa

What’s better than large Mexican sausage?

Nothing! Nothing is better than Mexican sausage. Chorizo makes the world go round. Chorizo is everything. Obviously the only way to make this fine piece of mystery meat better is to add more fat. Huevos Rancheros? I think so. 

The first step in making this pile of fat is cutting up the sausage. There’s something super cathartic about tearing through a phallic piece of intestine. I highly recommend blasting angry Alanis Morisette music in the background while doing this.

Isn’t it Ironic. don’t you think?    

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Mexican sausage really gets my pan wet. Seriously though, it gets my pan all wet. Do NOT add any extra oil. Yea, I’m talking to you fatty. PUT THE OIL DOWN. I promise that the fat in the chorizo is more than enough to keep those thunder thighs.

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Break out the beans! With a slotted spoon, put the chorizo on a plate and keep the grease in the pan. As a side note, I usually keep the scariest knife I can find in eyesight throughout the whole cooking process. It establishes my authority in the kitchen.  

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Pour the beans and liquid into the same pan used to cook the chorizo. Add one packet of Sazon and some dried coriander to taste. Bring to a boil and let simmer. Don’t over cook! There should be enough liquid left over to smother the arepa\corn tortilla. 

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How do you like your eggs in the morning? Fried, bitch! Fry an egg for each plate.  

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Arepa! Arepa! Arepa dough is made by adding boiled water and butter to a bowl of masa harina. Once the masa harina absorbs the liquid it turns into a malleable dough. AGH! What am I saying?! It was such a waste of time. Just buy a fucking package of corn tortillas and call it a day. 

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 Layer everything on the plate in this order- Corn tortilla- saucy beans- cooked chorizo- slice of queso fresco (It’s a cheese!)- fried egg. Serve with a little avocado and a fake Spanish accent.   

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The McCarthy Meat Grind

Much like Jenny McCarthy’s movement against vaccines, grinding your own meat is pointless.

Unlike Jenny McCarthy’s movement against vaccines, meat grinding does not impact the health of children. Zing!

Okay, okay, so it may be a stretch to discuss Jenny McCarthy and meat grinding in the same post BUT the two are related…sort-of.

Jenny McCarthy: Dumb/ Meat Chunks: Dumb

Jenny McCarthy: Not funny/Meat Chunks:Not Funny

Jenny McCarthy: Imposes unfounded information on a vulnerable population/Meat Chunks: Does not do this

As you can see by the above facts, McCarthy is very similar to a pile of meat chunks; except she sucks and meat chunks are nice and tasty. In recognition of these similarities, I took it upon myself to name a pile of meat chunks after her. Then, I ground those chunks down into a mushy mess and rolled them into balls, Jenny’s favorite shape.

To do the McCarthy Meat Grind I used the meat grinder attachment for the Kitchen Aid stand-up mixer. The meat grind will be alot easier for you if your McCarthy is partially frozen. You could defrost McCarthy half-way or throw her in the freezer for a little bit before starting. This technique prevents the grinder from jamming with fat and such. I have made this mistake before, and it wasn’t pretty. Once the McCarthy is ready, throw her in the top of the tray and turn the mixer up to at least speed 7. I will turn the speed down at the end of the load (that was a trick I learned from Jenny AYOOOO!) because I find that this pushes some of the excess McCarthy out. Some people will throw the McCarthy back in the grinder for another run, but I have never done this.

There are so many dishes that can be made with ground McCarthy! I made meatballs, McCarthy meatballs. They are round and flavorful, just like she likes ’em.

McCarthy Balls

1 lb ground meat

1/2 handful fresh basil

1/2 handful fresh parsley

2 minced garlic cloves

1/2 cup seasoned bread crumbs

1 egg

1/2 cup milk

salt and pepper- a generous amount

1) Mince parsley, basil and garlic. I was feeling lazy adventurous, so I took a chance and ran these ingredients through the meat grinder. It made a mushy pesto type substance, but it did the job. It was much quicker than chopping everything by hand.

2) Switch that mixer attachment to the flat beater and mix all of thses ingredients together until well combined.

3) Roll them into any size ball that you would like [Some like ’em big and some like ’em small, ya know?] and line them up on a baking sheet. Stoneware is the way to go. If you don’t have a stoneware baking sheet then I highly suggest that you get one. Mine is from Pampered Chef and I love it!

4) Heat the oven to 400 degrees and throw the balls in with the heat. Check them frequently and turn them once. This will ensure an even cook. I usually par-bake mine so that they can finish cooking in the sauce, but this is up to you. You are the master of your balls.

5) Enjoy!!!!!!!!!!

Mall Madness

Mall food courts are awesome. These cheap versions of Epcot offer a (sort-of) culturally diverse dining experience for those on a budget. In one sitting you can have a sushi roll from Japan, an egg roll from China, and a chicken roll from Italy. So many countries with so many rolls. How can you go wrong, right? Some how the Arnot Mall got this great American pleasure (and obesity enabler) SO wrong. I’m sure Super China, the star of the Arnot Mall food court, was a hopping place in 1995 but it has worn out its welcome. The man who took my order had some food left on his face from an earlier meal. This should have been enough to turn me away,  but it did not.

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There is a silver lining to this story! The Arnot mall has prepared for the potential food poisoning deaths of Super China by adding the Granite Art store to it’s thrilling selection of retailers. In this store you can pick out and design your own headstone. What a unique asset to a shopping mall! I’m sure all of the parents bringing their small children to take pictures with Santa want to make a pit stop to pick out a headstone and explain death to their kids. Bravo, Arnot. This is fucking brilliant.

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In conclusion, the Arnot Mall sucks but is super convenient if you need to purchase a sweater and a headstone for your pet.

The Dirty Mind of a Bored Cook

While sifting through my Betty Crocker cookbook, a guilty pleasure of mine, I started to have some dirty thoughts about these so-called recipes. Each one is a cheap porno flick waiting to happen!

Take the snickerdoodles, for example:

Heat your oven to 400 degrees and make sure it’s hot because that’s what mama likes. Take a hard, wooden spoon and mix together 1 1/2 cups sugar, margarine, shortening and eggs. mix it hard, real hard. What’s that? You’re all wet? Well, here come your friends to make it all better. Welcome to the party flour, cream of tartar (he’s naughty), baking soda and salt. Once the party gets started there should be nothing but wet balls. Roll these balls around in your hands and cover them in cinnamon and sugar. Bake these balls until they are nice and firm. Let cool and eat like this:

Okay! Okay! So I added the last part but you have to admit that it is pretty easy to relate to the wet mess waiting for the dry ingredients to get to the party. Come on! We’ve all been there! No? Okay, so maybe it’s only me then.