And $100,000 later, here I am

It’s safe to say that art school was a big fucking waste of money. With that being said, I sometimes utilize the $100,000 education in the creation of mediocre DIY projects, such as turkey cupcakes, ornaments and this baby name painting:

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This painting was “commissioned” by my aunt. By commissioned I mean she came to me with her thick Brooklyn accent and said, “Dan, my friend’s havin’ a baby. I need you to make a thing for the wall. Just make it nice.” So I cleared my schedule and took on the project like a champ…Okay, stop looking at me like that. You’re right. I had nothing else to do.  My schedule was completely open (womp, womp).

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Good news! I actually remembered to take photos while I was working, so I can give you the play by play.

Step 1: tape out horizontal stripes on the canvas.

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Use painters tape and make even rows one tape length apart. I tore two little pieces of tape and used them to keep the space between the stripes even.

Step 2: apply glaze color.

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What’s a glaze? A glaze is a translucent medium that is meant to be used in layers. Mix acrylic paint color with matte medium. The more color you add,  the more opaque it will become. For this project the glaze should be transparent but rich in color.

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Step 3: let dry and peel off tape.

Step 4: tape vertical stripes.

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The vertical taping should be two tapes wide. Paint with the same glaze used in step 2.

Step 5: let dry and peel tape.

Step 6: mix new glaze color in separate cup.

Step 7: use tape to add one more set of vertical stripes and paint with glaze made in step 6.

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Step 8: let dry and peel tape.

Step 9: mix white glaze and paint over the entire piece to lighten the plaid pattern.

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Step 10: print out the name you are using to scale. This can be done on any computer program but is more easily done on Photoshop, Illustrator, or Indesign.

Step 11: use pencil to color in the letters on the back of the print out.

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Step 12: flip the print out and center it on the canvas. Tape it into place and go over the outline of the letters with pencil. This will transfer the letters onto the canvas.

Step 13: paint in the letters with acrylic (not glaze).

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And Wallah! A name painting in 13 steps. Fucking magic.

#MOMAgram

Last Saturday I took a trip to the Museum of Modern Art with my good friend from college. It was the last day for the Magritte exhibit so the place was bursting at the seams with smelly artists and hipsters. It reminded me of the sweaty dance parties we used to throw in college, minus the dancing, alcohol, and fun.
I’m not really the “art viewing” type of person but the MOMA has many famous pieces in their permanent collection that I appreciate, including, but not limited to, “A Starry Night” by Van Goh, “Christina’s World” by Andrew Wyeth, and “The Persistance of Memory” by Salvador Dali.

I’ve come to realize that the attraction of the MOMA is not the art, but the glorious selfie opportunities that the art provides. A “selfie” is a photo that one takes of one’s self. It wasn’t just one person taking selfies it was EVERY SINGLE PERSON in that museum. Even the dopes that carry around their IPads were joining in the fun. Honestly, IPad person, you look like an asshole. I saw one moron grab a sculpture for a “funny” selfie. A security guard almost tasered her. Anything for “the shot”.

Did I Participate in selfie Saturday at the MOMA? Of fucking course. It was too good to pass up. In fact, I went above and beyond the traditional selfie by asking others to take the picture for me. It was epic.

A Starry Night? who cares! Salvador Dali? Who’s that? Is my hair good? Okay, take the picture. :Smile: :Shoot: :Filter: :Hashtag: :Post:- Trip to MOMA complete.

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Then, just as we were about to leave, we spotted someone wearing the same exact outfit as me. At that moment I made two decisions: 1) To never shop at Target on black Friday again 2) To follow the chick around until I got a shot worthy of social media posting.
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Now that you’ve finished reading this post, do yourself a favor and search #MOMA on Instagram. It will make you laugh. I promise.