Drag racing? Really Biebs? That is sooo last year.
Yes, I agree with the majority. Justin Bieber is, in fact, an asshole with a vagina the size of Texas. However, I belieb that this life size tampon was once a child who enjoyed chocolate chip cookies like everyone else. You can belieb what you want, but this is what I belieb.
In honor of the Bieb’s lost childhood and new Orange jumpsuit I made chocolate chip cookies from a recipe I got off a Reynolds wrap advertisement. If it’s good enough for Reynold then it’s good enough for Bieber.
I omitted the nuts from this recipe because lezbehonest the Bieb ain’t got no nuts. In hindsight, I should of added raisins to reflect his dried up career but I didn’t have any. Plus I fucking hate raisins.
In closing, I am going to leave you with some Justin Bieber words of wisdom.
“I ain’t got no fucking weapons…”
Last year, I fucked up my edible gifts real bad. I made 10 last minute mini banana breads. While rushing to get them out of the hot pan, they completely crumbled. Any other self respecting person would have pushed the crumbly bread to the side and started over but I was determined to make this work (and too lazy to start over). What I did next would bring Martha Stewart to tears. Before the crumbs cooled I shoved them into Ball jars and tied recipes for “banana bread pudding” to the cap. Everything looks better in a Ball jar, right?….WRONG!
The hot bread steamed itself into a mush that settled at the bottom of the jar. I have to admit, it was rather gross. I’ll never forget the moment my aunt opened her jar full of banana breadcrumb mush. she looked at me with love in her eyes and said, “are you fucking kidding me?!” I had no choice but to agree with her on this matter. It was a fucking disaster, but lucky for me, we now have another hilarious story that can be repeated at every family gathering. You’re welcome, family.
This year, I’m trying to redeem myself. I’m not sure if there’s any coming back from that, but I will try. There are two key elements to edible gifts: the container and the food. Container shopping can be fun and if you are not specific in what you want to make then it is best to let the clearance rack guide your creative process. Burlington Coat Factory, TJ Maxx, and Marshalls have great [cheap] home sections, but make sure to inspect all items carefully before purchasing because there are usually defects.
I found these great plates at Burlington Coat Factory for .98 cents a piece. Oh yeah, come to mama!
Filling the container is a little bit trickier. This is usually where i fall apart (pun intended). The size and shape of the container will dictate what edible treat to make. I happened to have a cookie cutter in the shape of the plate I purchased (pure luck), so cookies were an obvious choice for me. I opted for a simple sugar cookie recipe from a “Country Living” article, but any cookie would do. In fact, a variety of cookies would be alot nicer but ain’t nobody got time for that! Click here to view the recipe used for this project and scroll down for a somewhat blurry photo montage.
Plates of cookies for everyone and Happy Holidays to all! Xoxoxo